So im getting ready for our little talk…

im sorry for the way i left. im sorry for not talking about it first, im sorry for not just postponing it like you had suggested. im sorry for being hard to deal with after we get engaged.

but im not sorry for not trusting you anymore. im not sorry for TRYING so hard after you lied to me, to make it work and it didnt. im not sorry for having a gut feeling about you and acting on it. i was right.

i have waited SO LONG to talk to you. i wanted it when i was packing, but you had nothing to say. i wanted it after that, but you wouldnt come outside. i wanted it the next day, but you wanted to play with josh. i wanted it that night, but you were ready for me to go. i wanted it the next day, but you told me no, it had to be right before you left at 7. then we finally talked alittle but you couldve cared less. you were already making plans to go on the cruise and live it up. you couldnt wait to get rid of me. the next week all i wanted to do was sit down and talk, but you were like a stranger. you quit calling you quit answering, you fell off the face of the earth. that let me to myself, and i was hurting. after finding out on accident that you were going on the cruise. you werent man enough to even tell me yourself. and after that all i wanted was to talk. ive been wanting to sit down and talk to you for FOUR months now.

you left me when i needed you most. i thought i was pregnant, my dad was kicking me out, and you never showed any concern.

why did you think that going on our honeymoon would help the situation from hell?

why did you badmouth me to your family? you telling them everything that ever went down with us is like me posting stuff on facebook. when everything was good as gold and we had our occasional fight, i didnt post stuff, it was no one elses business, and you go making your relationship look bad, it becomes bad. you make the relationship between you and your sister, you lose the one between you and me.

why did you do that on facebook? what reason did i give you?

do you miss me? do you think anyone could ever take my place or do you feel like me? do you think we screwed up really bad? do you think we should have to pay for it the rest of our lives? or do we have a chance?

..here we go again

[9/26/2011 7:47:25 PM] Hannah says: you really dont have anything to say after all this time? you almost married me and youre planning on going the rest of your life without so much as an explanation on what was going through your head? do you remember me? im that girl you “loved more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of your life with”? and now you wont accept my apologies or speak to me? do you remember last summer? or linconton? or did you really let yourself forget it all? i just really want to talk to you, i dont want to try and make this work or anything crazy like that, i just want to talk. and if you EVER had ANY kind of feelings for me, i hope you will give me the chance to say what i need to say.
[9/26/2011 7:51:21 PM] Hannah says: please.
[9/26/2011 8:02:12 PM] Hannah says: hell. i knew better than to date a guy like you. i knew  i was gonna fall for you and you were gonna pull some shit like this from the beginning. unbelievable how im always right about people
[9/26/2011 8:16:16 PM] picklehead says: hey
[9/26/2011 8:16:25 PM] Hannah says: hey????
[9/26/2011 8:16:58 PM] Hannah says: forreal? did you just reply to me?
[9/26/2011 8:17:26 PM] picklehead says: yep. how are you
[9/26/2011 8:18:03 PM] Hannah says: um not amazing
[9/26/2011 8:18:06 PM] Hannah says: how are you?
[9/26/2011 8:21:16 PM] picklehead says: thats not good, im just working.
[9/26/2011 8:22:45 PM] Hannah says: i take it you’re doin better than me..why did you decide to talk to me now?
[9/26/2011 8:27:09 PM] picklehead says: i wouldnt say that…and idk…what happened to me having to go?
[9/26/2011 8:28:11 PM] Hannah says: :/ what happened to you having to go? do what?
[9/26/2011 8:29:28 PM] picklehead says: nevermind
[9/26/2011 8:30:31 PM] Hannah says: sorry..i dont get it..sorry can we do something besides type on this…its slow and i have a test to take tonight
[9/26/2011 8:33:12 PM] Hannah says: that is if this is really jo…bc im not fully convinced…are you drunk or somethin?…
[9/26/2011 8:38:01 PM] picklehead says: id rather not right now…im bout to go shower and go to bed
[9/26/2011 8:40:05 PM] Hannah says: alright…well can we talk for like 10 minutes maybe? i just wanna know that this is you…i dont wanna get my hopes up for no reason.
[9/26/2011 8:41:01 PM] Hannah says: since when does jo say “go to bed” anyways
[9/26/2011 8:43:13 PM] Hannah says: i know its pushin you to even talk like this but please?
[9/26/2011 8:47:09 PM] picklehead says: its me. and idk since when i say that…it just started happening that way
[9/26/2011 8:50:12 PM] Hannah says: im really trying not to drive you crazy..i know you hate me and pushing too much is probably going to set you off but i would love to call you. i promise i wont keep you long
[9/26/2011 8:56:31 PM] Hannah says: pleaseplasepleaseplease with cherries on top bc i know how you feel about those..lol..but really i have a test to take..i cant talk much longer anyways
[9/26/2011 8:57:35 PM] picklehead says: i dont think its a good idea…atleast tonight…
[9/26/2011 9:00:21 PM] Hannah says: then when? i really think this isnt you for one…and even if it is..im scared youre gonna wake up not drunk and not wanna talk to me…and i really dont want to have to start this hate your guts thing all over again.
[9/26/2011 9:01:02 PM] picklehead says: i dont think youve stoped
[9/26/2011 9:02:31 PM] Hannah says: it changes…but i need to forgive you. i WANT to forgive you. but you make it really hard not speaking to me or giving me any explanations.
[9/26/2011 9:07:00 PM] Hannah says: and lately, no i havent hated you. i quit thinking about the fights and started remembering who you were and who we were. i dont hate the guy i fell in love with. no in fact, i still love and care about him very much. but im pretty sure that guy and the one im talking to right now are not the same anymore.
[9/26/2011 9:10:25 PM] Hannah says: are you skyping or something right now? is that the deal? i cant tell if you’re doin somethin or your just thinkin long and hard about what you’re doing talking to me right now..but  i just wanna talk 10 minutes tops. dont think, just do. please.
[9/26/2011 9:12:46 PM] picklehead says: your right im not the same. and no im not i just got done eatin and bout to go shower so i can get some rest. i dont think its a good idea at the moment
[9/26/2011 9:14:41 PM] Hannah says: oh
[9/26/2011 9:15:15 PM] Hannah says: ok..sorry i didnt mean to piss you off if i did
[9/26/2011 9:15:44 PM] picklehead says: you didnt. i just dont think its a good idea right now
[9/26/2011 9:17:34 PM] Hannah says: ok..um..will it ever be? ihave so much i wanna say..and i dont like the idea of sending you meaningless message after meaningless message on fb ..i want you to hear me
[9/26/2011 9:18:45 PM] picklehead says: sure it will. but im not ganna listen to fussing.
[9/26/2011 9:19:02 PM] Hannah says: omg..i promise thats not gonna happen
[9/26/2011 9:19:39 PM] Hannah says: me and you are not a me and you anymore..theres not much i can fuss about
[9/26/2011 9:19:56 PM] picklehead says: mmk then
[9/26/2011 9:21:18 PM] Hannah says: ok…so when is this gonna happen..
[9/26/2011 9:21:59 PM] picklehead says: idk right yet
[9/26/2011 9:22:30 PM] Hannah says: youre not gonna change your mind and never finish this conversation are you?
[9/26/2011 9:22:48 PM] picklehead says: no
[9/26/2011 9:22:59 PM] Hannah says: promise?
[9/26/2011 9:23:17 PM] picklehead says: sure
[9/26/2011 9:23:26 PM] Hannah says: ….
[9/26/2011 9:24:01 PM] Hannah says: thats not a good promise. i know you
[9/26/2011 9:24:44 PM] picklehead says: promise
[9/26/2011 9:25:16 PM] Hannah says: ok…well can i ask you 2 more questions before you go
[9/26/2011 9:25:38 PM] picklehead says: ya if they are quick
[9/26/2011 9:26:02 PM] Hannah says: really why did you just decide to talk to me?
[9/26/2011 9:26:17 PM] picklehead says: i dont really know
[9/26/2011 9:27:08 PM] Hannah says: all this time and you had it against talking to me…and just all of a sudden? was it what i said? did you miss me? im lost. i really thought you were gonna be that cold hearted forever
[9/26/2011 9:28:09 PM] picklehead says: i dont know why i did. nothing you said or did or anything just decided to.
[9/26/2011 9:28:47 PM] Hannah says: god i hope youre not just taking an opportunity to hurt me right now
[9/26/2011 9:29:22 PM] Hannah says: ok anyways. next question WHY did that bradley guy start hitting on me. please tell me what that was.
[9/26/2011 9:30:47 PM] picklehead says: id why he did. we were in a bar and he kept asking what your name was and i finally told him and the next morning he told me what he did. sorry. it pissed me off to.
[9/26/2011 9:31:42 PM] Hannah says: isnt he married?
[9/26/2011 9:32:08 PM] picklehead says: yep. its randys son too.
[9/26/2011 9:32:37 PM] Hannah says: i put all those pieces together eventually. that was SO weird. i thought yall were both drunk and messin with me
[9/26/2011 9:33:09 PM] picklehead says: i was but i had nothing to do with it.
[9/26/2011 9:35:02 PM] Hannah says: i drink and lot…and smoke a lot..of things a lot. its not a good situation
[9/26/2011 9:36:31 PM] picklehead says: ya. i do my share of most things.
[9/26/2011 9:37:13 PM] Hannah says: is life on the road better than what we had..
[9/26/2011 9:37:48 PM] picklehead says: its life on the road.
[9/26/2011 9:38:21 PM] Hannah says: well it always seemed sucky to me but you had a thing for it…
[9/26/2011 9:38:55 PM] picklehead says: ill hate it tom. and love it soon after.
[9/26/2011 9:39:12 PM] Hannah says: i went crazy when you left… i broke a lamp
[9/26/2011 9:39:24 PM] Hannah says: hahaha..ohhh k you prolly dont remember that nvm
[9/26/2011 9:39:45 PM] Hannah says: yeah bc youll be in a bar you alchy
[9/26/2011 9:40:46 PM] picklehead says: probly so…
[9/26/2011 9:40:55 PM] picklehead says: i gotta go shower though
[9/26/2011 9:42:38 PM] Hannah says: hm. its like im the one making corny jokes and youre the one not laughing..thats opposite.crap you right..i gotta go fail this test
[9/26/2011 9:43:02 PM] Hannah says: do you have my new number..
[9/26/2011 9:43:30 PM] picklehead says: yep…thats the way it is now. and ya.
[9/26/2011 9:45:42 PM] Hannah says: im sorry…its how i deal now. oh and…i still have the ring. i didnt sell it.
[9/26/2011 9:47:58 PM] picklehead says: wow. didnt see that coming.
[9/26/2011 9:48:08 PM] Hannah Ely says: what
[9/26/2011 9:48:18 PM] picklehead says: not selling it.
[9/26/2011 9:48:37 PM] Hannah says: you know..it meant something to me actually
[9/26/2011 9:48:53 PM] picklehead says: ya me to. i need to go shower
[9/26/2011 9:48:58 PM] Hannah says: that came out alil smart ass sorry
[9/26/2011 9:49:17 PM] Hannah says: sooooo ok, well idk what this means.. when to talk to you and when not to….sooooo how about ill text you sometime and you can tell me whether youre ready to talk or not. and if you come home..well seeing you would be even better.
[9/26/2011 9:50:47 PM] picklehead says: i wont be home for atleast 6 months. unless i drag.
[9/26/2011 9:50:58 PM] Hannah says: do what? why?
[9/26/2011 9:51:55 PM] picklehead says: working. New Orleans now then Baltimore then Tampa
[9/26/2011 9:52:25 PM] Hannah says: yall dont come home inbetween now? i seen you at home like 2 weeks ago
[9/26/2011 9:52:29 PM] Hannah says: or a month idk
[9/26/2011 9:54:09 PM] picklehead says: atleast a month. our job got shut down and i came home for 2 days and went to VA to work for the week with rusty so i could make money
[9/26/2011 9:54:40 PM] picklehead says: everyone else comes home. i dont unless i have to
[9/26/2011 9:54:56 PM] Hannah says: crazy how i saw you 2ce and youre only here for 2 days
[9/26/2011 9:55:55 PM] picklehead says: ya i stopped by on my way back through but i just spent the night and left\
[9/26/2011 9:56:05 PM] Hannah says: ah..well you ought to..i guess
[9/26/2011 9:56:17 PM] Hannah says: hows brant
[9/26/2011 9:56:53 PM] picklehead says: hes good. he says uncle jo and points at the door when you ask him where i am.
[9/26/2011 9:57:07 PM] picklehead says: imma have to go
[9/26/2011 9:58:43 PM] Hannah says: ok sorry..god i wanna talk to you so bad. 4 months is a looooooong time
[9/26/2011 9:59:45 PM] Hannah says: thank you for finally talking to me alil bit tho…it really means a lot.
[9/26/2011 10:00:00 PM] picklehead says: your welcome.
[9/26/2011 10:00:15 PM] Hannah says: can you add me on fb now? or you still dont want me to see?
[9/26/2011 10:00:44 PM] picklehead says: idk.
[9/26/2011 10:02:16 PM] Hannah says: well im still not sure why you did that in the first place, but im way past writing on your wall or anything else. if there’s other girls..well…thats none of my business. but you have to show me the same courtesy. not that it will be a problem for you.
[9/26/2011 10:03:16 PM] picklehead says: we will talk about it later. i need to go
[9/26/2011 10:03:37 PM] Hannah says: ok
[9/26/2011 10:03:55 PM] picklehead says: well talk at ya later
[9/26/2011 10:04:20 PM] Hannah says: ight..talk at me…bye jo
[9/26/2011 10:04:43 PM] picklehead says: bye

yeah what to think about that. hmm. and dont ask why his name is picklehead. lol

what do you want, what do you want from me?

you just talked to me. AFTER FOUR MONTHS, you just said hey. out of the blue. and i think we just made a plan to talk on the phone or something? im not sure. i dont really trust that youll do that. oh im scared. at first i was so incredibly happy that you talked to me. i couldnt believe my eyes. but im afraid now. im so so scared youre gonna hurt me so bad again. i dont know why i feel like this, but i cant stop crying. im trying to keep my guard up, everyone knows i still love you so much but i dont know what to do with that. i dont know what that means. im happy that you talked to me, maybe i can get some closure, but im always going to want more, and i dont think you can ever give me more. i cant stop crying. i love you still and that terrifies me.

RESOLUTION

i’m not dating anyone for a year. September 26 2012, i can date someone. IF ill even have someone to date which is unlikely. this should be easy.

i give up.

i give up. no dreams i had are going to happen, i cant love anyone else. im NOT going to find ANYONE in this town and now that im almost finished with school, i dont know where i would meet anyone anyways. youve takn my every dream and run it in the ground. i dont even want to live here anymore and i swore id never leave. but the thoughts of having to see you later on in life when ive “moved on” is devastating. i cant believe you gave us up. i cant believe you let me go without so much as a second glance. my self esteem went from bad to worse. thank you for doing this to me. why a guy sees and sweet girl and says to himself “let me hurt her worse than anyone ever could” is beyond me.

just say you’re sorry

i want to forgive you so bad. i dont think i would ever be with you..it would take a complete 360 or five but miracles happen. but thats besides the point. i just need to hear you tell me why, i just need to hear you say youre sorry and that what you did was wrong. i JUST WANT TO MOVE ON.

you’re going to be the guy that my husband refers to as “douche”. not him. you took his place.